A Message from my Hiding Place

motherhood the 2nd time around has taken me to the depths of grief, lonliness, longing and despair. i had a brief encounter with these emotions after my first birth, but it was nothing like this.

i have found myself grasping for something, anything that would keep me grounded but also spark joy. in my college days — even last year after the birth of my first child — a drink, a night out with friends or shopping would usually be enough to lift my spirits for a few weeks. but not this time.

early in this post partum journey i knew the only thing that could keep me sane was God. i knew that if i kept my focus on Him, the storm of life would rage around me but it would not consume me. so for the last 6 months I’ve been filling my spirit with Truth almost around the clock. Truth to combat the lies of confusion, depression, division, and doubt that an overstimulated and sleep deprived mother is vulnerable to if she is not vigilant. i started listening to my Christian rap playlist to start my day, watching my favorite @withtheperrys episodes on repeat, and reading books like How to Worship a King, Dark Clouds Deep Mercy, Gay Girl Good God, and falling asleep to Bible meditations.

but what has been the most transformative is reading entire books of the Bible that I’ve only visited when prompted by a Pastor or devotional. books like Genesis, Exodus, Acts, Matthew, Lamentations and James to name a few. what i have learned on those pages is what has sustained me through this season: He cares about the details of my life, He is strategic, He hears the prayers that my tears contain and He is only good. Jesus has become not just a role model but a close friend. Biblical stories are no longer just stories but ancestral history that hold information about my inheritance.

navigating heavy emotions while still working, being married, teaching, leading, creating, momming, podcasting and traveling has distanced me from most of the people i love but it has brought me closer to the one whom i love the most. His presence has been my shelter. His promises have sustained me. His glory has nourished me. His grace has fueled me. His plans have kept me on purpose.

I dont know what the promised land after postpartum has to hold for me. but what I do know is that I have been transformed. my heart and mind have been transformed by a work that only the Holy Spirit could do. times when i would normally speak, i listen. times that i would normally seek to prove, i humble. instead of phoneing a friend, i pray. where I once found pleasure i now see perversion. where i once sought comfort i now see idols. i was once blind, but now i see. conviction, patience, purification and repentance have become of utmost importance. and even after all of this, there is still more work to be done.

whenever it is time for me to leave this hiding place i will be like Moses in Exodus 33: if God’s spirit cannot come with me where i am requested, i will not go. now that I’ve experienced his glory for myself i cannot and will not move without it — even if that means everyone and everything, moves on without me.